No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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