I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
