I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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