Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
