I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
its liver damage thursday
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
