You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
As shirtless as possible
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
