i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
