I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
