Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Randomize
