this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
