Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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