Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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