My cat gives me a boner
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
