Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
