then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
