Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
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Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
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I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
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