i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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