Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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