did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
