Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
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My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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