Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
