is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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