I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
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