I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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