You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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