omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
