My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
he just fucked me for my cheese..
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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