I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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