dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
