I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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