i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
