So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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