god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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