Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
