i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
