She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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