i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
