Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
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