i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
