Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
