but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
