I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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