I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
