Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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