Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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