final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
