i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
