I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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