shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
The dick lei will go down in squad history
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
