so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
