Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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