good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
