we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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