I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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