Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
