proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
