Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
