I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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