During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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