My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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