just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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