i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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