Rock
Scissors
Fuck
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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