there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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